Keep it real.

6 octubre 2009
soooo. I was thinking. (figure 1: me right now, so it's like we're talking.) Today i got really embarrassed during class because i couldn’t explain an idea i had, and i hadn’t prepared it before i said it, i just started talking WHICH I NEVER DO! And it turned out that the prof. Didn’t follow. And oddly enough, unlike EVERY OTHER experience like this in my life, my impulse wasn’t to freak out and be embarrassed. I did that a few minutes later of course because i’ve taught myself to do that! But it was kina of wonderful on many levels: 1. I saw that there is a tiny place inside me that says it’s okay to mess up, don’t get bogged down by it, 2. I practiced speaking spanish in front of a group and a native, which is ALWAYS scary for me, and 3. I MESSED IT UP, WHICH IS GREAT. I’ve decided i have to do this more often. I absolutely HAVE to mess up more. This is why i really don’t like to talk in class at all, which has been difficult in honor scholar classes where the nature of it is to discuss and not have everything figured out beforehand. So i really hope this is a step in the right direction: being wrong and being okay with it. I am so absolutely terrified of ever saying any remotely insignificant thing wrong because i immediately get uuuuber embarrassed and want to go crawl in a hole and cry. But i have to TRY more. And that’s much more important. I can’t spend my whole life crying because i said “la día” instead of “el día”, which is day 1 spanish but i STILL do that. I think that it’s okay to be wrong, just as long as you know you are wrong! Haha and understand how to fix it. I’m not suggesting it’s good that i’m making errors, but that it IS good for me to make them and recognize them as such. THE ONLY WAY TO LEARN, FRIENDS. I’m so used to getting 20/20 on all my assignments from elementary and middle school (and to some extent high school… before the academy, let’s be real) that i still haven’t gotten over the whole “missing one point=death.” Because really, i’m no where near being a 19/20 on speaking spanish, so let’s be honest with ourselves: we need to set more realistic goals here.
So here’s the goal: if i’m not embarrassed at least 3 times a day, i’m not trying hard enough. Think about that for whatever you’re trying to make happen but just isn’t going right, because that’s exactly where you need to be! If it’s not really complicated, why do it???
Also, goal 2: if i could go 1 day without random men making comments about me on the street, that would be a good day. But maybe i should just stick to realistic goals… or this could fall under the being embarrassed category!! such is south america i guess.
Keep it real.
Emily